eating chicken nuggets with nice red wine. strange thing is the red wine was too cheap and the chicken nuggets were too expensive.
thinking about smoking a cigarette.
feeling haunted by something all day. can’t say what for sure, but it’s lingered since my walk high up on the hill early this morning. i think it has to do with a honda pilot i saw parked in a lot looking like a bonafide murderer mobile. i think the person inside of it might have kidnapped me and my dog had i parked there too. call me crazy.
—
i said i want to be free and that’s the truth. is you fucking your ex my ticket to freedom? i feel no choice but to view it that way. so i guess i should be thankful for the betrayal.
first i was thanking you for coming deep in my pussy, now i’m thanking you for coming deep in hers.
my therapist asks if i have hope you can be a better man and i say i must otherwise i probably would have walked away a long time ago. then i hesitate. i know in my heart you can’t be a better man, because in order to be a better man you’d have to see yourself as flawed. you’d have to want to be better. so it must be something else. she then suggests it’s no longer hope keeping me wrapped up in our dynamic. she says she thinks it’s largely chemical, like an addiction.
i ask her if there’s a group for that.
then i think, you know what? she’s on to something. you know why? sometimes i’m so mad at you i think i’m going to physically explode. i’ve considered banging my head against a wall to drown out the anger. i’ve walked for miles and miles on end in attempt to cool off. i’ve seen three therapists, listened to hundreds of hours of podcasts. last year, i moved across the fucking country thinking if i was somewhere so far way from where we’ve been then i could finally leave you behind. i get so upset my water boils completely over, my heart pounds blood heavy with resentment and shame. i see red. but! then you call me, or then you’re in front of me, and the bad feelings? they dissolve into thin air. forgiveness feels attainable when i’m in your arms. i melt in your pale blue eyes.
that’s all to say whatever it is pumping through my body – dopamine, oxytocin – that’s what’s got me hanging on by a thread. sad but true, my desire for you has boiled down to little more than a science experiment.
just today i wondered if there was some kind of rehab i could check myself in at where they’d give me an i.v. to make me forget about you. wouldn’t that be incredible? i’d pay big bucks for it at this point. to go somewhere else and come back wondering who it was that had me so shaken for so long.
and still it wouldn’t be enough. i need something stronger. i need dignity! bravery! self-respect! acceptance, which can be so hard to come by.
i used to think it was passion. deep, impenetrable love. karmic, even! now i question all of that. passion and love feel far away and in their place resides something darker, something i’m desperate to get free from. but, like a true addict, i return again and again to my favorite high. it makes me sick every time, and still i’m weak for your drug. i’ll crawl for it. beg, even. and i know you love to watch me, though you’d never admit it. hands and knees for you, baby. in more ways than one.
Words 