i want to be a good bad girl

i worked my final shift at one of my jobs today. i think it was the first of many finals here in this life i’ve been living, in this place i’ve been living in.

i played a few games of pool last night against a group of construction dudes. i won them all. the winning felt redemptive. you play against yourself as much as your opponent.

j- watched and put light little kisses on my jawline as i waited on one of the dudes to make his last shot before i sank the eight ball in the side pocket. those side pocket shots are so spicy sometimes. j- and i are so spicy sometimes too. i felt proud then. her and i, on display for them. the win.

take that, losers.

i’m tired.

i don’t know. i guess i’m a little pissed off too. i tell my therapist about it. i say i’m mad. she says that’s a normal response. she encourages it. i wonder if she should. it could be promoting bad behavior. i would never tell her that. i wouldn’t want her to know i’m on bad behavior. though, i suppose she’d intuit it. isn’t that her job? to know how and what i’m doing and why i’m doing it. i don’t need her to help me. that’s not true. i’m dying for her to help me. i want to be better. i want to be a good bad girl.

i mostly trust her. she thinks it’s fine i’m pissed, so pissed i’ll let myself be. i’ll do what i want. i won’t second-guess the feeling.

it’s a quiet anger. until it isn’t.

hahaha.

i want to learn to play the piano and i want to learn to drive a stick.

i want to go down to south carolina to visit a guy i have a small, inconsequential crush on for my birthday. i won’t tell him it’s for my birthday. that’ll be my secret. he’s got good cars. i’ll ask him to teach me to drive a stick. it’ll be his birthday gift to me. it’ll be me making him give me a birthday gift he doesn’t know about. it’ll be romantic and cool.

then, i’ll buy a manual. and when i drive it, i’ll be hotter than i’ve ever been.